While doing house work he can continue to be a "macho man"; Husband’s dilemma on cooking

The traditional role of cook in a marriage has usually been the female. Years ago, women stayed home while the husband went to work. She would raise the kids, do the house cleaning, and have a three course meal prepared for her family by the time the husband came home from work. Times have changed. While more and more young Sri Lankan women enjoy life in the fast lane, juggling a high flying career and sporting an exciting social life, distancing themselves from the traditionally domestic stereotype, a silent revolution amongst their young professional male counterparts is on the rise. These young men want to cook and they are making it happen. Men who cook are more desirable than ever before. These days young career women are more concerned with heating up ready meals and cooking sauces from a jar, while men take pride in cooking from scratch. There is a genuine curiosity amongst this new breed of men to want to portray that well-rounded image and add depth to the notion of an eligible bachelor. However those who discover true passion for food will build on their new found “hobby” to become more competent in the kitchen. Mainly in the traditional Sri Lankan set-up, the general notion of almost everyone seems to be that cooking is solely a woman's job. But still the husband can continue to be a "macho man" while doing house work.


You may not believe that prior to her marriage, the fiancée of a friend of mine imposed two conditions or rather orders. "I cannot cook and after marriage, I will not cook!", she told my friend. Despite misgivings from his cousins, he had to marry his fiancée as she was never willing to break up the affair. More than his mother, it was his cousins who vehemently objected to his taking over a woman's job. "He doesn’t have a backbone, better put a plastic one”, say his cousins and friends continuously. Even up to this date he continues to cook while she continues to relax. Though he does not seem to be happy, by now he has turned out to be a culinary expert!

Men who do cooking at home are generally viewed with scorn. There is a petticoat government, people say. If the husband cooks at home it may affect his status. That is the general notion of traditional Sri Lankan society. Sometimes people say "He is scared of his wife; he is the one who cooks at home".

But some even think that husbands should just sit and wait like lords until their wives serve them tea, and call them to have lunch when everything is ready! Some people might laugh and think it’s a joke but the husbands’ family is going to expect come sort of culinary skills from their new daughter-in-law. In the traditional family in the society, for boys cutting a cucumber is cooking but for girls it’s different. Some mothers get them on a crash course on how to cook their meal without burning it. But still most women at work have this idea that Sri Lankan women and cooking go hand in hand.

What about those master cooks whom we see on television? Do they cook only in front of cameras? "Should not a man cook at home?” a question asked by a journalist directly from Dr. Pabilis Silva, Director-Culinary, Mount Lavinia Hotel. In fact his name has become so familiar to everyone in Sri Lanka as the 'king' of culinary matters who teaches all the housewives how to be a culinary expert. "There is no hard and fast rule that men should not engage in cooking", he told the journalist. "Do you cook at home?" This was the next question of the journalist. Even though his response was negative his answer was so appealing and amusing. "In fact it is my wife who gave me almost all the finer tips on cooking, with most of the recipes. She is my teacher and I am the student. Most of the recipes I prepare, I have learnt from my wife. So if the 'student' too starts showing his expertise (what he learnt from the teacher) in the kitchen itself, I think it does not sound proper. So I don't engage in cooking at home".

As he further mentioned, the wife or the mother is the "Managing Director" of the house. House keeping is largely the business of the wife. "It is a huge responsibility. It is a noble deed. It is a pity that most husbands do not know the value of their wives." Going beyond answering the journalist’s question he told the journalist that it is not only cooking that is done by wives, but almost all the household chores "I am dead sure that men's performance would stand much lower than that of women even if men are willing to do the same job; Women are experts in those spheres." "So you mean that men cannot prepare curries well?" The journalist came back to the topic. "They can, but I am sure that most of the men would not adhere to the required hygienic conditions when they do it at home daily!"

"Anyway they can always help their wives, mothers and sisters. Husband and wife should share the responsibility. When it comes to decision- making men should no doubt get involved in it. But household matters should be monitored by wives/women as they are the experts."

He finally asked the journalist whether she can cook well and she answered hastily. “Of course, I can." Then he threw a question at the journalist. "OK fine. Then tell me how to prepare the curry powder?” "But his interviewee is not an eloquent as the chef. She rapidly lost her marks. "How can you say that you can cook? You should know everything related to cooking starting from the composition of curry powder and how to make it. Only then someone can claim to be a good cook."

Cooking or any other household work should be done by both. Mutual understanding should be there. Not only the parents, children too should be aware of it. In short it should be team work. Women should always accept that feeding the family is her responsibility. In fact, no sooner a woman becomes a mother, feeding the child becomes her responsibility. That is of course a pleasure. But husbands should be there always to share the work.

While there is still an abundance of burnt toast and stained microwaves across the country, learning the basics does not require much skill or previous knowledge. How difficult can it be to follow cooking instructions on a packet of pasta or rice? The underlying factor to a successful meal is preparation. Before cooking everything should be washed, chopped, peeled, sliced and diced as this will prevent the panicking and getting the timing wrong. If anything defrosted, make sure to take it out of the freezer the night before. And lastly, hands should be washed properly before, during and after cooking. If the husband is a little hesitant about embarking on this area of his life because he feels that men who cook are not real men, take comfort in knowing that the vast majority of Michelin star recipients are men. So cooking is no big deal and husbands should not fuss about it.
It is unfair to imply that the husband only cooks to impress guests; the husband also uses food to tell that he loves his wife and family through the care he takes preparing meals. Sri Lankan men discovering their skills in the kitchen as men who cook nurture their self-respect and reinforce a proud sense of masculinity that has been lost over time. It's great that the husbands want to cook and also want to have the role of nurturing the ones they care about with food. It's not a sign of weakness or in touch with their feminine side as some might view it, but it's the same type of care, put into food as it would be, to take care of someone when they are sick, in a different setting. While doing all the house work of course he can continue to be a "macho man".

- GG

Is that racism? - True story from Japan

The story happened to my friend. He is a Canadian and been living in Japan for eight years. Ill start this from his own words........

Got stopped today and was asked for my Gaijin (Foreign Registration card, Its like our NID)card, and to make a long story short, I refused to show it, and they finally left me alone. The strange thing was that I was in Ueno station walking to work. Just outside the Iriya gate. The whole conversation was in Japanese, but I will try relay this in English as best as I can. I got stopped by a plain clothes cop whose name I got Kobayashi Keiichi or Kenichi. Anyway, he asked me for my passport, and I told him that I didn’t have it. I said that this is not an Airport. He then told me to go to the Koban to which I replied, “I’m not going anywhere with you.” He then asked me if I have a gaijin card to which I said yes. He said, “Show it to me”“Why?” “I want to confirm you are legal.” “Why? I’ve done nothing wrong. I pay my taxes same as the Japanese. Why should I show it to you?” I want to see it. At this time a uniformed cop, also in his forties came running over. He was smiling and friendly. Unlike the monkey I was dealing with. I at first thought that this was going to get ugly, but I soon realized that he was trying to smooth the situation over. “If you have a reason, I’ll not only show you my card, I’ll even show you my Japanese Driver’s License. But with no reason I refuse to show it to you.” This went on back and forth. My anger clearly showing and his cold suspicious eyes never leaving me, with the uniformed cop trying hard to convince me kindly that it was the law. I then asked to see his ID and he showed it with confidence. Pulled out my iphone and was about to take a picture of it when he snatched it away. “What are you doing?”“I’m going to take a picture of your ID?”“No (DAME)”“If not, then I will not show you mine” “No. I showed you mine. You show me yours.” I pulled mine out and just as he did very quickly showed it without giving it and put it back in my wallet. “No,” he said. I can’t confirm anything like this” “If you want to confirm I will take your ID picture.”“No. Why?”“I want to complain about you,” I said.“To whom?”“To Debito Arudou” They didn’t seem to know who our illustrious warrior was, and I explained that he was an activist and that I wanted this cop’s ID to pass on so I could blog it. He refused but showed it to me again and stated his name, saying that it was sufficient. I said show it to me again, and he said no. you will not take a picture of it. I said that was fine, but that I wanted to write down his number, but he refused. Fine. Then I will not show you mine. What’s the problem?, He asked. You are invading my privacy. I don’t want you to know my address. And this is racism.Its not racism, he said. It is. Because I am not asian.No. You are a foreigner. That’s why I want to see it.That’s still racism. This also went on back and forth. The interesting thing is that he really seemed upset by the fact that I was calling him a racist. He kept coming back to this issue and trying to convince me he wasn’t a racist, but I was not convinced. At one point he asked me to just step away from the ticket gate and I refused. He said that we were in other people’s way and to be considerate of them, to which I replied, “Why aren’t YOU considerate of my feelings? Plus, YOU are the ones who stopped me, so its YOU who has made other people’s lives more difficult.”“That’s why I said for us to just step to the side…”“NO! I want people to see this. I want to show them your racism” He continued to assert that it was not racism. In the end, he said, “Ok. You can go. I asked to see your ID, and you refused. I can’t make you show it to me. You are free to go. Thank you anyway.” For those of you who know me you know that I don’t back down and refused to just let it go, insisting that this is not a way to catch foreigners, not a way to treat foreigners. Blah blah.. I wasn’t getting to him, but I sure gave him a piece of my mind. I wanted him to feel that stopping us is more trouble than it was worth. The uniformed cop was friendly after the other A**Hole had gone, and he said that he goes to Australia once a year and blah blan.. He was kind and we stayed and had lots of small talk. In retrospect, the fact that I was raising my voice and that I seemed to have no problem with the people around seeing and hearing the conversation seemed to bother him tremendously. The fact that it was getting more and more obvious to people around that he had stopped me for my card seemed to embarrass him. And he REALLY was rankled by the fact that I wanted to take a picture of his ID. To everyone reading this, I don’t know how much of a legal leg we have, but it seemed to work. You want to see my card, I’ll take a picture of yours. It seems to really scare them. Or at least just this guy, but he really was a tough looking guy who looked like he had stared down and beaten down every foreigner he had met into showing him their ID. But not this foreigner. No f***ing way.

(True story based on Ally's email)

Is this what we call a blog?

Hey! this is my first blog post.....!
I just created it. Im very poor in dealing with these E-stuffs. The whole objective is to release all my feelings and ideas through words. I dont know how it works and goes!!!!
Aw if u like u can call this as my personal blog, GG's blog, but its open for u all to share anything about ur lives and about the things around u!