The traditional role of cook in a marriage has usually been the female. Years ago, women stayed home while the husband went to work. She would raise the kids, do the house cleaning, and have a three course meal prepared for her family by the time the husband came home from work. Times have changed. While more and more young Sri Lankan women enjoy life in the fast lane, juggling a high flying career and sporting an exciting social life, distancing themselves from the traditionally domestic stereotype, a silent revolution amongst their young professional male counterparts is on the rise. These young men want to cook and they are making it happen. Men who cook are more desirable than ever before. These days young career women are more concerned with heating up ready meals and cooking sauces from a jar, while men take pride in cooking from scratch. There is a genuine curiosity amongst this new breed of men to want to portray that well-rounded image and add depth to the notion of an eligible bachelor. However those who discover true passion for food will build on their new found “hobby” to become more competent in the kitchen. Mainly in the traditional Sri Lankan set-up, the general notion of almost everyone seems to be that cooking is solely a woman's job. But still the husband can continue to be a "macho man" while doing house work.
You may not believe that prior to her marriage, the fiancée of a friend of mine imposed two conditions or rather orders. "I cannot cook and after marriage, I will not cook!", she told my friend. Despite misgivings from his cousins, he had to marry his fiancée as she was never willing to break up the affair. More than his mother, it was his cousins who vehemently objected to his taking over a woman's job. "He doesn’t have a backbone, better put a plastic one”, say his cousins and friends continuously. Even up to this date he continues to cook while she continues to relax. Though he does not seem to be happy, by now he has turned out to be a culinary expert!
Men who do cooking at home are generally viewed with scorn. There is a petticoat government, people say. If the husband cooks at home it may affect his status. That is the general notion of traditional Sri Lankan society. Sometimes people say "He is scared of his wife; he is the one who cooks at home".
But some even think that husbands should just sit and wait like lords until their wives serve them tea, and call them to have lunch when everything is ready! Some people might laugh and think it’s a joke but the husbands’ family is going to expect come sort of culinary skills from their new daughter-in-law. In the traditional family in the society, for boys cutting a cucumber is cooking but for girls it’s different. Some mothers get them on a crash course on how to cook their meal without burning it. But still most women at work have this idea that Sri Lankan women and cooking go hand in hand.
What about those master cooks whom we see on television? Do they cook only in front of cameras? "Should not a man cook at home?” a question asked by a journalist directly from Dr. Pabilis Silva, Director-Culinary, Mount Lavinia Hotel. In fact his name has become so familiar to everyone in Sri Lanka as the 'king' of culinary matters who teaches all the housewives how to be a culinary expert. "There is no hard and fast rule that men should not engage in cooking", he told the journalist. "Do you cook at home?" This was the next question of the journalist. Even though his response was negative his answer was so appealing and amusing. "In fact it is my wife who gave me almost all the finer tips on cooking, with most of the recipes. She is my teacher and I am the student. Most of the recipes I prepare, I have learnt from my wife. So if the 'student' too starts showing his expertise (what he learnt from the teacher) in the kitchen itself, I think it does not sound proper. So I don't engage in cooking at home".
As he further mentioned, the wife or the mother is the "Managing Director" of the house. House keeping is largely the business of the wife. "It is a huge responsibility. It is a noble deed. It is a pity that most husbands do not know the value of their wives." Going beyond answering the journalist’s question he told the journalist that it is not only cooking that is done by wives, but almost all the household chores "I am dead sure that men's performance would stand much lower than that of women even if men are willing to do the same job; Women are experts in those spheres." "So you mean that men cannot prepare curries well?" The journalist came back to the topic. "They can, but I am sure that most of the men would not adhere to the required hygienic conditions when they do it at home daily!"
"Anyway they can always help their wives, mothers and sisters. Husband and wife should share the responsibility. When it comes to decision- making men should no doubt get involved in it. But household matters should be monitored by wives/women as they are the experts."
He finally asked the journalist whether she can cook well and she answered hastily. “Of course, I can." Then he threw a question at the journalist. "OK fine. Then tell me how to prepare the curry powder?” "But his interviewee is not an eloquent as the chef. She rapidly lost her marks. "How can you say that you can cook? You should know everything related to cooking starting from the composition of curry powder and how to make it. Only then someone can claim to be a good cook."
Cooking or any other household work should be done by both. Mutual understanding should be there. Not only the parents, children too should be aware of it. In short it should be team work. Women should always accept that feeding the family is her responsibility. In fact, no sooner a woman becomes a mother, feeding the child becomes her responsibility. That is of course a pleasure. But husbands should be there always to share the work.
While there is still an abundance of burnt toast and stained microwaves across the country, learning the basics does not require much skill or previous knowledge. How difficult can it be to follow cooking instructions on a packet of pasta or rice? The underlying factor to a successful meal is preparation. Before cooking everything should be washed, chopped, peeled, sliced and diced as this will prevent the panicking and getting the timing wrong. If anything defrosted, make sure to take it out of the freezer the night before. And lastly, hands should be washed properly before, during and after cooking. If the husband is a little hesitant about embarking on this area of his life because he feels that men who cook are not real men, take comfort in knowing that the vast majority of Michelin star recipients are men. So cooking is no big deal and husbands should not fuss about it.
It is unfair to imply that the husband only cooks to impress guests; the husband also uses food to tell that he loves his wife and family through the care he takes preparing meals. Sri Lankan men discovering their skills in the kitchen as men who cook nurture their self-respect and reinforce a proud sense of masculinity that has been lost over time. It's great that the husbands want to cook and also want to have the role of nurturing the ones they care about with food. It's not a sign of weakness or in touch with their feminine side as some might view it, but it's the same type of care, put into food as it would be, to take care of someone when they are sick, in a different setting. While doing all the house work of course he can continue to be a "macho man".
- GG
